Brittany's Journal

May 2007
1:21 PM EDT

"All the best work is done the way the ants do things- by tiny but untiring and regular additions." - Lafcadio Hearn

I downloaded I song I haven't heard in forever, since I was in high school. It's called "Wonderful" by Everclear. It's a really good song, I also downloaded "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylumn, my favorite song of all time.

I had another interview again, I HATE interviews. I haven't slept from working last night.I hate sleeping during the day, it's a waste of time to me. But that's when I start freaking out again, when I don't sleep. Although, I think I'm on enough meds, I could never get mad at anyone for anything. I'm in such a good mood all the time, most of the time, although I still didn't like that interview today! My headaches have finally stopped since they straightened a few things out, thats a huge plus. I ran a stop light today, how clever of me!!!!! Luckily no one got hurt, the way I drive sometimes, it scares me. I always scare the passenger(s). Except when I have my babies, then I'm like an old grandma!! Greg and I got into an argunment over Emma riding the bus next year. Ha! She's not ! What if some little kid picks on her? She's not riding the bus, neither of my kids will. EVER! I don't care if they're 25, they're still not riding the bus!!!!!!!!!!!!!When Greg has to go through child birth, then he can pick whether they ride the bus or not! Makes sense to me! He gets so mad now, because I don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THREE DAYS GRACE "PAIN"

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May 2007
11:07 AM EDT

This is kinda my coward way out of this situation that I think I have created. I really don't know how to take that conversation the other day on the phone. Icompletely understand the position you are in and I probably did annoy you, matter of fact I know I did. I wish all my circumstances could be different in every way, but they can't so I'll leave it at this. I appreciate everything you did for me, honestly. I'll consider my first day of sobriety as May 4th, I'm not going to rehab, but I havn't used at all, I have thought about drinking, but haven't and don't plan to. Every time I feel the need to use or cut or whatever, I put my kids in front of me and ya know, thats all I need now and I thank God for that now. I'm going to be a better mom than what my mom was for me and I know that now in my heart and I don't need any drink or any drug to help me do so. I think in these past two days I have let so much of the past go and I just realized there is nothing I can do about it any more I have to work towards the future. If my mom wants to be a grandmother to my kids, great, if not, than they will have enough love and support around them, that they will be just fine with or without her. But I kinda realized what you were saying, I can't give all that to my kids if I'm dependent on you or somone else, so I'm sorry. It was just rare that I found someone to talk to so easily. Even though I'm not going to rehab like you wanted, I give you my word I will be clean and six months from May 4th, so that would be, um, November 4th, right after my birthday, I'll give you a buzz and tell ya I'm still good to go. And also I just wanted to point something out to you. You made a comment to me on the phone one time about me just talking to "some social worker from Lourdes", if that's all that you think you are, maybe you should take a little more pride in yourself. And I know you probably don't think it but, yes, I do believe in that "higher power" you were talking about, otherwise, my children wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't be here, he just works in mysterious ways sometimes, doesn't he? HEY! I know you have heard, but ya know, I always have to end with a song, this is my all time favorite song, if you don't have it or haven't listened to it in a while, please do so, it's by the Counting Crows, but Hootie and the Blowfish sings it too, "she talks to angels". That is my song, you have to listen to the lyrics and you'll understand why I like it so much. Again, thanx, for everything, also, my new one, All American Rejects "Move Along", keeps up with current situation.

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May 2007
8:21 AM EDT

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." -William Ward

That shit is deep!!!!!! Greg, if you could ever get over yourself and leave me alone, that would be great. I would really appreciate that. Stay of myspace unless your looking someone else up. I made the girls a page, why don't you go see that one since you were never there in the beginning, just whenever you got time to do so. I'm not being nice to you anymore. We have no nothing, the only thing we need to be discussing is Emma. Lets both be adults here, for Emma. WE, are never going to work. And I don't know why your mom told you that. Your mom does nothing but lie. I think I told her that outside of the court room. She needs to quit running her mouth about something she knows nothing about. And yes, I will give you half the money for her little four wheeler, but that better be what it's spent on. Seriously if this isn't about emma, don't bother me please. I need my space from everyone now. And know that does not mean I am turning my back on anyone, I'm just taking no shit what-so-ever. Have a great day honey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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May 2007
11:15 AM EDT

Lyric; Keith Urban

"I've never been the kind to let my feelings show. I thought that being strong meant never losing any self control. But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain, to hell with my pride, let it fall down like rain."

What made you think you could take a life and just push it, push it, around.

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May 2007
9:04 AM EDT

Got a new song for ya. It's called "Boston" by Augustana, it's a bad ass song. I want to drink so bad. Everything is getting worse and worse and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. I just keep pushing it all aside and not dealing with it. That sounds familiar. When I do that though it just fluctuates even more. But nobody can tell when I'm having a bad day. I don't sit there and cry about it like everybody else, what is crying suppose to do about it? This lyric is out of Shinedown "Save me"."Someone save me , if you will, someone take away all these pills." " I can hardly remember the look in my own eyes." "Please just save me if you can, from my wasteland." I'm going to make it through all this with little or no help, either way I have no more options. I've been court ordered to go to re-hab. Not exactly how I would like to go, but everything happens for a reason. Theres no one around anymore. I get fucked up and screw everything up with in a matter of a day. Alcohol is the worst for me. I get so mean and careless and I just drink more and more. I got kicked out of a friends house and the night before I drank a six pack of beer to start, took some whiskey shots (by the way I never drink whiskey, EVER!!!) Drank a 5th of rum b/c my friend din't want it. I was definetly wasted at that point I started at 2 p.m. and din't stop till around midnight. I had another half a case of beer and drank more than half a pint of whiskey, all on top of what I already had. But I didn't get a hang over. Once I started drinking so much, the hang overs just didn't happen anymore , it's like I was used to it. That's fucking pathetic. I and a guy I was seeing got caught screwing out in my friends, uncle's driveway. But hell, they were driving us around, so I guess, at the time it was cool. Until her dad realized what we were doing. OOPS! I'll beat everything , i have to. I took a bunch of zanaxs last week, nobody figured that out though. And I said I would never admit it to even myself, but I've been doing herion on and off for a while. I said for the longest time that I would never do that and when I did I kept it a huge secret. Nobody knows about that. I don't leave "trail marks" on my arm, I've done it in my foot before, the viens are easier to see also. But I couldn't take the risk of someone seeing the track marks on my arm. Nobody could ever know. I denied it to everyone and still do. I even denie it to myself sometimes and have been.. But if I'm going to get help it's gotta start here and now and I think I'm ready.

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Brittany's Profile

Username: Brittany

Gender / Age: Female, 39

Location: USA - Kentucky

BRITTANY's Interests:

About Me: Life sucks ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deal with it.

Interests: To stop using drugs/alcohol and get my own place and my kids back.

Favorite Music: I like old rock. Live is my favorite band. I love music, music that says something about me or about someone I know. I sometimes, well all the time show what I'm thinking through a song. I would strongly suggest you listen to Keith Urban "stupid boy", Matchbox 20 "Leave", and Keith Urban "Tonight I wanna cry." And you know who I'm talking to asshole!!!!!! Take a hint. And tell Emma I love her. Now for songs for describing myself and different circumstances are Shinedown "45", Shinedown "Save Me", Pink "13 conversations with my 13 yr. old self." Matchbox 20, "shame", and Matchbox 20 "Kody".

Favorite Movies: Fried Green Tomatoes and Cruel Intentions. Home videos of my babies.

Favorite Television: I don't watch too much t.v. I listen to a lot of music. I try to catch the news. But I like that show "Friday night lights" on NBC.

Favorite Books: I don't like to read that much.