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    kapowkristen  28, Female, Kansas, USA - 11 entries
Nov 2008
9:42 PM EDT

What's my wall?

I just got past the 'meadow' scene in Twilight. It was amazing, as usual. But it also got my mind thinking at a million miles an hour. I'll start off with what started my whole thinking process (besides Twilight).

I was lying in bed and i was pushing a pillow off my bed, but the wall caught it. And i just though of how the wall supported that pillow so well, i even tried to push it off more, but it held strong. Right then i thought '...What's my wall?...what's keeping me from falling off the edge?.. Why do i even bother walking up in the morning?' It scared me, i couldn't think of anything or anyone.

Then that made me wonder if i'd ever meet someone that could be my wall. If i could ever have someone who couldn't stand the sight of me only because they wanted me so badly. Will I ever find my Edward?

I couldn't answer a single question.

When i think of my life continuing like it is now, me never getting anywhere, never doing anything that mattered. Never finding my other half. Or even just a friend...

So let's talk about something else. 'Cause everytime i think about this stuff, i cry, or at least let out a few tears to stream down my face. I hate it when people see me cry. I feel weak. I wanna be strong. I wanna be able to be someone else's wall. *sigh* It seems like the only time i laugh is when i watch 'Family Guy'.

Some of the people at Children's Mercy suggested i go and see someone to ''talk'' to.� Ykno, where the crazy people go to cry. *grins* Sorry about that. *crooked smile* Uh..I kinda wanna go and talk to someone like that... But i also don't because the last time i did she told my parents every word i said. So, what's the point in going? I think i'm gunna try a couple people, see if i click with anyone. Hey, maybe she can put me on some stronger happy pills and i'll probly still be in pain, but HEY i'm happy, rightttttttttt?

*sigh* No. Not really.

Sadly i feel as though the pain is getting worse by the day. And i worry i'll never have a normal life, well as close to a normal life as i can get. It's horrid. The pain. And not only am i ill. I have all these other things in my life i have to deal with. I just tell myself every day it will get always happens that way for people in movies..right?

I know i'm wrong. I just wish i could be right.

My tears won the battle. Good thing my journal isn't paper.

1 comment(s) - 05:32 PM - 11/18/2008
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