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Imperfection 31, Female, New York, USA - 2 entries

Mar 2010
2:49 PM EDT

Nothing.

Dear Journal,

� It's been 2 days since mike died..The pain has worn out a little bit but, now�all i feel is emptyness and nothing. The hurt has gone away and now transformed into nothing. My body feels numb and i feel so weird. I know i shouldnt be mad at him but, i am so upset. I may not feel it now, but i know that inside im hurt and angry at him for causing me this much pain. Knowing hes gone is just so hard to put into my head i feel as if hes somehow here with us but, i know hes not. Today, was absolutely horrible. As i walked into school i realized i would never see him again. I kept looking back in the hallways to see if he was there but that was just be being insane. I walked into my fourth period class and my friend came in hysterical and my other friend was crying too. I wondered why i didnt cry? I guess i dont feel the pain anymore. I would rather feel nothing then pain. I've always been emotionless, but this has triggered me to become more emotionless. I was looking at his screename last night and the last away message i saw was 'getting my jewberry, i love my twinsieeeeeee' God, how i remember him so well. My friend found a video of him and i on her phone and she showed me and i had to look away, i need to forget everything. Im afraid but i dont know why? I guess that things like this always happen. Know i feel as if im afraid to get close to someone to avoid the pain of when theyre gone forever. Not being able to hug someone you care about deeply is just..horrible. The pain is seeping into my chest but i need to stop. The world will change one day, but not in my lifetime. I know that for a fact.

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Gilbert022208 36, Female, South Carolina, USA - First entry!

Mar 2010
4:48 AM EDT

Realistic Nightmare

I had a horrible nightmare... it was so real...but i know it was not. It was one of the scariest dreams i have had in a long time. It felt so real... i felt the feelings..its hard to explain... but it felt like everything was so realistic. My husband and i was visiting a friend and some guy walked in and tried to throw me out of a window... because he didn't want me to be there. I was able to get away and run out of the house, i got in the car cause i was scared for my life. my husband was right behind me, but that guy was right behind him. As he tried to get into the car� he was pulled out and was being beat. He told me to lock the doors so i did. I thought there was just that one guy.. but there was a bunch of them, some of them were hiding in the back seat. As i was watching my husband being beat i was being held down and being raped. One was in the front and one was in the back while i am being held down by� two. The thing that scared me the most... was as i was waking up i could feel their hands touching me and my backend was hurting like it was actually done. i really don't understand it... how is it that something happens in a dream and you actually feel it after you wake up? Does that even make since or am i going out of my mind??? I feel kind of crazy i guess you could say. i am really confused. i know it was just a dream and dreams are NOT real... it... its just a real scary thing and so real like. has anyone else ever experienced a dream where you feel what happened even after you woke up... is it just in my head?? How do i find out, how do i understand what is going on? Can someone please help....

Tags: i am so confused about it all.....

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2 comment(s) - 03:25 PM - 03/25/2010

dkp 63, Male, Belgium - 2 entries

Mar 2010
8:31 PM WEST

Ben je al opgeschreven voor het koningschieten?

Tags: Hi

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1 comment(s) - 02:49 PM - 03/10/2010

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Brunette Mess 39, Female, Texas, USA - 15 entries

Mar 2010
4:23 PM EST

Sweet Summertime

Life has been way too crazy and stressful lately. So at the end of April, I will be unemployed. I tried the whole 'working full-time AND going to graduate school' thing, but it ended up being too much. I feel that I am missing out on the most important schooling of my life by working at a job I don't particularly enjoy.

Ok, on to the main reason for this blog. I want to make some changes this summer. Here is the list of things I want to accomplish this summer:

1.) Work out - I've tried, but during the semester I have zero time to exercise. I really only gained a few pounds, but I want to feel healthier. My plan is to begin running, as far as I can. I'll just build from there. I hope to get up to at least 10 miles.

2.) Be more social - Currently, the last thing I want to do on the weekends is to go out and be social. Usually I just want to catch up on my sleep...and then study.� I want to go out on weekdays and meet my friends at fun places in Dallas.

3.) Join a sports team - Since I won't have much going on this summer, I want to play in an intramural league. Great way to meet people and to stay active.

4.) Spend more time with my puppy - I adopted a 2 year old black lab back in October. He is one active lab and he is always wanting to play. I feel guilty because I am usually way to busy or too tired to play. I want to spend more quality time with him.

5.) Summer school - Since I have to take summer school, I want to make the best of it. I want to actually get a feel for UTA. I want to venture around campus and see what there is to see. Currently I go to class and leave. Since I will have an advanced degree from this school, I really want to know campus.

6.) Grow out my hair - This may sound lame, but I want to spend this summer relaxing and waiting for my hair to grow. I want it looooooooong!

7.) Practice my photography - I just bought a Canon Rebel and I really excited to play with it. Hopefully I can spend this summer taking lots of pictures.

8.) RELAX - Haven't had much time to relax and figure out what's important to me. Laying out by the pool, leisure walks with my puppy, sipping' ice tea on my porch, etc. Can't wait for all of this stress to be lifting off my shoulders.

Well, that's quite a list, but I think everything is pretty do-able. I'm ready for you Summer! Bring it!

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distracted 53, Female, California, USA - 5 entries

Feb 2010
9:18 AM PDT

every time i think of you i find myself at odds.. not with you or those we know.. but for certain with the gods.. the ones that watch over you .. and tell me not to speak..when i look at you they dont like what i think.. how is it so easy for me to understand..everything that happens.. yet i still manage to be sad.. at the moments when you find that my attention is still needed.. how i know these problems are about to be repeated..everybody wonders..and everybody knows.. but when it comes to us .. its nothing like what shows.. in the wee hours of the morning ..ar the late hours of the night.. i can still sit waiting .. knowing everything's alright..but when you come barreling in.. with that look upon your face..its a guilty look for sure.. and its a very common place.. whether its new or old .. whether weak or strong.. its something you havent lost..all these years weve carried on..so sleep well my burning angel.. let the dreams dry your eyes.. for im not even concerned with your need to be disguised.. you can have all the secrets.. you can keep then to your self.. but just remember this..its no better then this hell.. if it were you would not be here.. pretending nothings wrong..in the middle of a promise.. that keeps you holding on..

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TellieGirl 36, Female, Canada - 4 entries

Feb 2010
3:06 PM EST

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Tags: and cash, links to pleaser

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2 comment(s) - 09:49 PM - 02/22/2010