I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.  Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.  If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.  I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.  I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.  Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot?    Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.  I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.  So, I just avoid it altogether.  I cant believe I gave that up for her.

Ive given alot up for her.  I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.  Then she cheats on me.  I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.  I think she guilted me into it.  I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.  the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.  She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.  But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.  He says that they slept together after we were married.  I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?  I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.  When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.  I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.  She cheats, then I beg her to stay.  Im basically giving her a license to kill.

Why did I stay with her?  Love, I guess.  i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.  that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.  I know Im afraid to be alone.  I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.  At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.  Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.  I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.

What do I hope to achieve from this journal?  Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.  I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.  they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.  For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.  Hopefully this helped me a bit.  Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.