Tim told me the same thing that he didn't listen to the signs of his bad relationship.  He thought that as long as she's with me, everything is okay.  Patrick also said that his ex girlfriend didn't look at him in the same perspective again.

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One will make a decision to seek help or leave...get out of the relationship.

From the Church, this is wrong.  But N has turned her back in her previous relationship without looking back.  Her personality is like that. 

She cares about the material or regrets that the credit cards are paid off and she didn't get to enjoy the house.

She seems less caring and emotionally not available at times.

Tomorrow's the appointment with Dr. Jack.  Today, I'm feeling a little bit better.  Map wrote She said, "I generally believe things work out the way they're meant to be so don't be too stressed out.  Everything's going to be okay.  You're probably just at a turning point in your life....maybe."  Strangly, I was angery to see that.  But later it calmed me.  There's nothing I can do.  Waldo suggest that I can't rush Nin because she has her own time to return if she so chooses.  MJ advised me to keep my door and heart open for her return.  Hang in there and I should write to her everyday even though she doesn't write back.  I am not to put limitation on her.  I told MJ that I don't want to play game.  MJ said that I should be open and honest.

             The closest I have to a father is his brother. I never had a good time with my father. He always calls me stupid and retarded. I never had a father and son time. I don’t even know any of my father’s friends. When he was a child he never wanted to be a part. My uncles tell me he never wanted to hang out with them. 

              I’ve tried to talk to him buy he keeps calling me names. Both of my parents have an odd relation ship. My dad never bought my mom flowers or gifts. He told me to buy her something for her birthday. My dad doesn’t spend time with my mom like a married couple should. He is very stubborn and almost as if he does not have feelings. Lately the most important to him is money. He doesn’t care about his children.

             My uncle tried telling my dad. He tried to make him understand that you can’t force his children around like this. He treats everyone like his slaves. And me, growing up like this has done much pain. He becomes violent at times. I have tried my best to keep things under control. Being a brother of two sisters has put more responsibility on me. It would be too selfish for me to move out with out my sisters. I had taken a lot of blame and took care of them the best I could.

              I live with a stranger who is my biological father. I don’t think he deserved to have children. He never prepares a meal or fixes his bed. He never makes a plan that everyone can agree on. He can’t do anything right. All he is a guy who goes to work, comes home and yells at me complaining that he pays for my electricity, food, etc. he goes to the beach by himself while I work my ass of at home.

I just read the quote from William Ward (who's he?) and it lent a thought to me on gratitude as I was going to launch on my thought/feelings of my brother.

Am I grateful for him? I guess I am, at times. Over the years I've thought that possibly my life would be easier if he weren't born.     Oh man, that sounds harsh. But if you had the whole story you may think the same way. Right now I'm not feeling especially grateful to have him in my life. He's not really part of my day to day because he lives too far away but he's in my thoughts alot. I currently have been worrying about him and get anxious if I think about him too much. 

I write to him but his responses are short and  cryptic. If I ask for him to elaborate or expound on a thought he says he can't, he often uses "I don't know" as an answer, this is a dead end. I believe he doesn't want me to know much about him these days.

"These days" refers to the time since his break up with Claudia. I'm assuming that they are still married but not living together. Claudia said in her last email that she's finding it harder to keep denying to herself that her marriage is over. She has people telling her to move on but she's not ready, 25yrs is most of her life and it's been centered on my brother - for better or for worse it was what it was.  Brother sent me a quote last week, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it", my understanding of that quote is that he's referring to how much he wanted out of his marriage and now that he is out he's not so happy about it. See what I mean about being cryptic?

I wonder how it would be if he were living nearer to me. With these many miles between us it's easier to make excuses for not communicating regularly with him. The distance has kept us from witnessing each other's lives so we only know what the other tells us. Since his separation from C. I get two different stories - to be sure! My belief is that he wants me to think/feel only a certain way for him. He wants me to unconditionally love him - nothing wrong with that I'm sure. He can't stand any judgement from me - gonna get some of that in life. He has collapsed under my disapproval - he should have seen it coming. 

I bet he has a fantasy of how he is thought of by me and mine. As he has been so distructive to his family I would think that it's sad for him that I don't think/feel the same about him now. Which makes it logical that he doesn't communicate willingly these days.

Yep, I think I'm on to something! If I were ashamed of myself, my actions, I'd want to stay out of the spotlight. I guess I'm pretty important to him and he's doing what he has to do to keep his pride with me...

Interesting. Journaling really helps.

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