Luby

             I want to say “I don’t have to explain myself” but then I feel as if people think the worst of me. I do things that are difficult to explain. A lot of times I am trapped in the past, and many times I have a different world inside my head. All these things separate me from everyone else. I feel alone when no one understands me, but I know if I was another person I wouldn’t understand myself. I want people to accept me for who I am. Many times I am a mystery but it doesn’t always mean I am scared or keep distant. My reasons are far beyond imagination of a second person. I am very reasonable and my reasons don’t have to be explained, for they are what I am.

             I have been avoiding the internet a lot lately. I needed someone to talk to and all I have is writing journals and expect a random person in the world to read it.

             I turned 19 over a month ago and I don’t feel any different. I forget that I am not 18 anymore. I guess maybe that is because I didn’t have any celebration. I remember waking up in the morning for a drink. I remember hiding in my room, avoiding phone calls and doorbells. Both of my parents were at work and my sisters at work or school. I was trying to keep myself from going nuts. It was probably the worst day of the year. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I spent drinking till midnight hoping to get noticed.

             I think most of my problems come from my childhood. I remember hiding under the kitchen table when my father came from work. I seriously thought he was a stranger. I remember looking out the window watching kids play while my mother kept me locked up at home. I cry when I realize I never had a chance to be a kid. I was always an adult who had to think for myself and for others. I wish to know what it feels like being cared for.

             I didn’t have the love that parents could give to their children. I never wanted to hug or kiss my parents. I remember once I kissed my mom when she brought food home, but I was on drugs and got very hungry. I wanted to see a physiatrist just to have someone I could talk to. That part I was always missing in my life.

             All my parents care for is money. Every day I come home I have so much tension on me. I hear them tell me all the things I should have done today, and at the end of conversation I am the bad guy. I separate myself from family a lot. I tell them I have plans with my friends, but instead I go anywhere to be alone. I can walk in to a bar for a drink and sit alone in the corner. I don’t talk unless I say give me a check. I sit on a bench outside smoking a cigarette. I got for a walk or look at the stars at night. I always think if maybe someone is looking at them with me.

             I am not really the guy people like to be around with. I feel as if I am cursed. I don’t make anyone feel better so I try not to communicate much. I want to escape from everything. Not exactly looking towards a new life I want to be gone. I don’t want to be where I am. I don’t like being alone all the time, but its best this way. I can’t be making more mistakes. I give people a favor when I leave.

            I know I need help but no one to ask from. I know I need to talk about things that are bothering me but no one around I can trust. I am not a very good person. I do things that make me a queer. I don’t have anyone I can relate to. Everyone always leaves me. I feel like the only reason I am still alive is because I can poison my mind long enough for tomorrow. And then everything starts over again.

             I hate my life. I have so many opportunities but I don’t have the strength to take my chances. I was looking for a job and applied at few places. It has been over a month and no calls. I gave up looking. I can survive without a job anyways. I am not ready to go to work. If only I could pull myself together, but I only drip blood.