Luby

          I am burning up. I have been so energetic taking these vitamins. Running around the house dancing to the music and I am still not tired. I can’t even remember how many times I have jumped over the couch. I am concentrating more and I am not giving in to my emotions so easily. I just know I need some sleep since I go to bed at 5 in the morning.

              It’s my third day. I haven’t been eating much. My stomach is hurting and I feel so weak. Most of the time I lay on my bed and have hard time lifting my hands. I managed to get to the computer.

             This is what happened… My dad asked me to do something for him, but I had so many things to do and told him I couldn’t and that I had to go home. I was actually working and he was the one getting paid for it anyways. He told me I could not take that car. So I called my sister to pick me up from Venice and bring me home. So basically my parents took the cat away from me. They say it’s because I am always helping everyone else and don’t have time for them. Honestly I have been busting my ass the whole time until I knew they were asking too much from me.

             My phone has been ringing and voice mails left. I don’t pick up or call back. They won’t let me help anyone. I can’t help anyone without getting places. I tried checking bus schedules and they were too confusing. I have never taken the bus anywhere and they don’t work that late. I began to realize people call me when they need something not when they want to offer me anything.  It’s as if I am waiting for anyone to come pick me up for once since I am the one doing it all the time.

             There were so many things I had to do and it makes me feel so bad that I didn’t get a chance to get anything done. Feeling depressed and it has put me very low under the threshold. I know I can call and ask for a ride but I feel worthless like I don’t have much to offer. I look like a mess and everything around me has lost its color. I feel numb and all I did to deserve this was say no.

              I hate my life when it become like this. I want to be free. I want to own something that can’t be taken away from me. All this tells me that my parents don’t feel like I deserve anything. I have worked ever since I was a little boy to help them. I wanted them to be proud of me. But I don’t seem to deserve anything in their eyes.

              I remember every square inch in this house. I have been here very das since my parents bought the lot. I had to dig, place a slab, plant the grass place the bricks, build walls and roof, install windows and doors, paint and trim, tile, plumbing, electricity, and everything I didn’t mention in between. But I didn’t deserve a place to live in it. I spend hours outside fixing the cars, burning my hands to the hot engine, cutting my wrist to sharp tools while everyone was out at the beach or in the house watching TV. But I didn’t deserve a car. I had put so much time and effort to do my best and everything I had done was for the worst. Everything I do, nothing ever works out.

>

          Waking up early in the morning has never felt so good. When everyone is still asleep I am the head of the house. I get some food and coffee ready. There is no one to bother me. I clean my body and get ready slowly. I am not in a rush anywhere. I feel so warm taking my time. I am concentrating. I think about people I care about. My friends, family, and coworkers. They are all here in my heart. I felt so lonely yesterday, but now I feel close to everyone.

          Waiting for my iron to heat up. Listening to music. Searching the web. Imagining happy moments. There is so much out there. I wish I could be myself around people. I talk out loud to myself in the car. I sing out loud to the radio. I travel and discover many exciting and interesting objects. If all of us could be a little more careful and understand each other, there would not be miseries. Anything is possible. Our minds make our life real.

          It has not been too long, but my life had extremely changed. Ever since I dropped seeing my doctor I have been a different person. I was so careful for my health. I guess I was worried because I was so ill. But I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. I had already believed I would become disabled for the rest of my life. But something changed. I took control and began to concentrate. My mind was so strong to all this pressure. I did everything I could against what the doctors told me to do. I was more comfortable with my body than ever before. Going on roller coasters,  swimming, running. I didn’t take it slow. I was out for adventure. I began to enjoy myself. Drink coffee when I want to with out worrying to have a stroke. I began to smoke and didn’t take my health so cautiously. The best part of this is that I am fine. I don’t feel the pain I used to. I don’t take any pills anymore to help me breath.

          Everything happened for a good reason. Being so weak help me discover my mistakes. I realize many flaws about me. I don’t have to that anymore. When I laid in bed and could not move, I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to live again. I didn’t want to have anyone take care of me till I die. I am a person that wants to take care for myself. There was no one I could trust and count on if I had to have a surgery be dependent on someone for months. That is the reason I didn’t talk about myself.

          I want to be brighter. I had been so dull lately. I had already lost my job for being hypnotized. I was not thinking about myself and others. My mind was lost. There is so much I can do. I saw the sun rise.

         Not based on hope or giving up. I have strength. To me love is a feeling that is taken differently. Do you give up on someone you love? Or do you keep hoping for something to happen? No! I can’t give it away. I can’t let it go. If I walk away it follows me. All I do is stand behind the wall. I don’t call it hiding because I am here before anyone else. Though I stand. I wait to hear my name. Maybe someone will shout it out. I always come out when they need me. But I keep waiting. I hear everything. And my name is never called. I hear other names. I just stand here. I was standing here before you got here. I was not hiding. Sometimes people don’t bother to look what happens around them. What can be behind the walls. I am standing so close. In silence. No one can hear me. Then I get so tired standing without any encouragement that I drop on my knees. My skin turns blue and there is nothing I can do. If I speak I will only intrude.

              If my life depended on it, they would let me go. The most valuable has turned their back on me. I am hanging on the rope. My arms are getting tired. There is no ground below me. I watch them walk away as my tears drop down from my toes. I didn’t choose to be here. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to balance all of our feelings. I wanted to understand them all. It was not acceptable. I was thrown away. Left suffering and hanging over a deadly fire. It is time to let go. My end is their beginning.