Growing up

30

Jan 2011
10:38 PM CDT

it's really been two months YIKES!

Man I've been putting this off for some time now but finally found a nice Sunday night to write. Where do I start??

The holidays where fantastic lots of eating and drinking and days off from work presents and pictures of snow from back east. Laura came to visit which was amazing amazing she is now living in San Diego for the next year. I really love her love friends that just get it and just know. Will be seeing her in two weeks in LA for some warm sunny parent hang out time.

New family addition yesterday baby Oliver Henry Brill! Soooo cute and so happy to have more little cousins who call me Aunt Lex! love it up! Makes me sad not to be closer during times like these but I will visit soon in the spring.

Job is good it's been a year which is amazing. Got into Lexilou mode have checking set up email marketing down and cocentrating on finishing our rates package. moving forward. moving forward.

Been doing a little online dating and had a date this week with Mike from like a year and a half ago he just called me up out of the blue and asked to have drinks. It was really great to see him but don't think much has changed in the I'm into Alexis front still seems to be on the same level and I haven't heard from him which is blah blah blah but damn is he cute :) Just going to leave it no messaging him late night or drunk I'm just in a different place now where I don't need that attention negative or positive just have a lot more going on and I kind of feel like you are in or you are out so pick one and lets move on for reaaaals.

Had a good day today grocery shopping, yoga, fantastic fish tacos i made now going to dive into dan browns latest book. sounds lame but i love days like these a little alone time i love it. just me time is really good for me. so relaxing and wonderful sunday nights are some of the best.

not going to get into all the other stuff running through my brain but also a note that this week is my three year mark of writting this journal!! woo hoo! who would have imagined this is the wonderful place i would have found myself in as when i started i feel like i was just a different person in a way different place. man how time really makes a difference.

07

Nov 2010
1:11 AM PST

Rain Rain

It's raining! I love it to just be in bed on a Sunday morning watching the rain makes it feel like home. very east coast and lovely but at some point have to find some motivation to go to the gym. Three times a week! Allison and I have a bet.

Sad news last week my high school friend Kristinia her mom passed away. so incredibly sad so sudden and so tragic. accidental overdose of xanax and she was probably drinking. So sorry for her family and def have been thinking about them all week and called to leave her a voicemail and started crying I just couldn't imagine loosing my mom could not even imagine it.

Rose has been in the hospital she had her gallbladder out and now I know what the gallbladder does hahaha! but she is in recovery and man it was not fun visiting her in the hospital i hate hospitals just don't ever want to be chronically ill. it would just be too much for me. I think this is the turn around that she needs to get her weight under control so I hope she gets better and does make a change.

Talking about change I'm thinking about going vegetarian for the most part. Trying to eat up all the turkey and stuff this week but starting next week def changing my diet just feel the need too. It is def time to change. and also thinking about doing online dating again? what do you think? yah it wasn't a wild success last year but it gave me a lot of confidence and experience. Now that I have had a second serious relationship i def feel more confident in myself and what I'm looking for. couldn't hurt right? Haha I don't know maybe at the start of next year. Taking some me time right now and it's fantastic. Starting a darkroom class tomorrow!! very excited to get back into something that I always loved and hopefully will get some amazing prints too

31

Oct 2010
10:32 AM PST

Moving forward into the holidays

Soooo last week I went to see Kirby in person just to apologize and I just made things worse by throwing salt in the wound but I haven't cried since and feel much much better. Seeing him in person really sealed the deal for me that I made the correct decision to end things. You know what they always say people show you why you are breaking up with them when you are breaking up with them. So he has lots of questions has sent me a few emails but I have decided to just not respond. He will move on eventually and so will I.

On another note I love this time of year the air just smells amazing and I love how it leads into the holidays :) Took a walk today it was so pleasant to see everyone's decorations and all the little kids running around in their costumes. So warming it just makes me feel good makes me feel happy to be in the place where I am right now.

Started going back to the gym trying to get back to feeling happy and healthy. I feel a lot more confident now that my relationship is over trying to move on and grow and become the person I want to become. more interesting, more vibrant, more enjoyable, more I don't know more than I am I guess. Feel like I'm finally comeing out of the relationship fog and setteling back into singledom.

24

Oct 2010
10:32 AM PST

wow what a couple of months

It has been a while and I have to apoligize so much going on and I really should be journaling more would def help keep my thoughts in check.

So I broke up with Kirby last week......It kind of came out of no where and it kind of didn't . He is wonderful truly a great guy but just not the guy for me. We kept having these talks about me being more open him needing more from me more support more affection and I just tried to tell him I'm not like that but I would try to make it better and work on it all and i did I became more open and tried not to hold back to speak up more when things botthered me and I did well he even agreed but then last week he was quite and not really making contact so i went to a music fest and gave him some space apparently that is the wrong thing and got an email refering to his once again unhappiness with our "connection" and I was just fired up and threw up my hands I don't know what he wants he wants someone who isn't me is what I have figured out. There were a few other factors but that was the main one.

So i broke it off and told him we needed to date different people and it wasnt fair to ask each other to be different to fit into what each other needed cause to me that should be natural we shouldn't be having these conversations in the first place. Truthfully I knew from the beging he wasn't for me but he was just so nice and attentive and not bad to look at I might add very adorable but in the end not the one for me. I tried I really did. I cried cried cried spent all day in bed on Friday sobbing it really hurts eventhough I know I made the right decision for me it doesn't make it hurt any less. Everyone seems to be backing me which is great to have my girlfriends behind me. I mean I seriously could have prob dated him for a few more months had a great time but know that it was never going to turn into love cause i just don't have those feelings for him eventhough on paper i should be in reality i don't. so i bit the bullet and ended it now it hurts but better now than a year from now and I don't want to waste his time or mine turthfully if i know now that this isn't going to work might as well end it not fair to either of us.

I learned a lot in the six months we were together one, that I should be open and honest from day one no wasting anytime no trying to be perfect all the time no saying what i don't mean no trying to be who i think the other person wants me to be. two, listening to my intuition right off the bat that is a big one. three, really listening to myself and the people who know me.

So now back to working on myself starting this photo business and getting back to the gym seriously all i've had for the past five days is grilled cheese and cookies.........it's gonna be a slow recovery but i know deep in my heart i did the right thing for me. This relationship stuff is tough! it can really hurt sometimes but it can be really good sometimes too :)

02

Aug 2010
9:40 AM PST

It may be official

Yep so I guess it's offical that Kirby is my boyfriend hahaha! He is kind of the best. I'm a little sickly and yesterday he came to hang out and bring me tea :) Krisitna and Justin came to visit from Hotlanta and he came out to say hi just cause I asked him too. How great is he?? I think he really likes me which is always a plus!

Lex

20

Jun 2010
8:07 AM PST

Time to myself to think

How do you do it? Have really great friendships and love in your life? Last time I got this all wrong and lost a lot of people in my life but thankfully got it all back slowly with a lot of apologizing and back tracking. But today this little thing happened that Allison and I had plans to go drink it's fathers day and I know that is a hard day for her and she is prob just super pissed off in general today. So I made plans with Kirby at five thinking that would be fine we would go drink then I could meet him later but she got pretty upset with me so I changed my date with Kirby to a later day which she didn't ask me to do but I though it was appropriate said I was sorry that I had messed that up and was avaliable today if she wanted to still hang out and I guess she didn't next time I prob won't cancel my plans with Kirby cause I did really want to see him but now I have some time to myself tonight :) which is prob much needed anyway but still it got me to thinking and druged up all this emotion from Alex crap about how lonely I felt with him when I had no friends and this small instace that prob wasn't even a big deal I blew up in my head but it's still a question to be asked I've seen it too many times with others and I've even done it. You start getting serious with someone and you really loose your female friends and they really resent you for that........How to avoid it this time around? I think it's about being open with Kirby about how important these relationships are to me and not to negate on any plans with the girls even if they are tentative. Man i can't tell you how much I hate that I did that don't want to fall back into old patterns that's for sure but it seems to be tricky business.....

07

Jun 2010
11:31 AM PST

It's so nice

sooooooooo I made out with kirby! It was really nice and warm and romantic......He might be the cutest ever! haha We spent all day yesterday together in Oakland and i didn't get shot! We ate indian food, went to the park and finally back to his place to "see" his apartment and then we made out for a solid half an hour. score! I miss that so much just to have someone and we are in that phase where we just want to be touching all the time even after at dinner and drinks. I love that when it's just the two of you in your own world knowing what you have done together and no one else can touch it......it's been a long time since I felt that what is it intimacy? it's really nice and I think about him a lot, I might like him hahaha! Get to hang out with him again on Thursday, can't wait :)

29

May 2010
10:37 AM PST

So so so much!

It's been over a month since the last entry and I have sooo many updates I will just recap the highlights Ready?

Alicia moved the fuck out! hahaha! Life is so much nicer not to have her in my life or in my space It is hevan truly love it. Found a new roommate who moves in tomorrow and his name is alexis too but pronounced alexi....strange! hope it all works out we cleaned cleaned cleaned today for his arrival

Had the wedding two weekends ago.....amazing! I got to say I looked good damn good! hahaha! Was an amazing weekend full of family and friends was truly a great time and Rebkeah looked incredible and much happiness to them both. They are currently in Italy on honeymoon :)

So all good news comes with some bad news my grandpa passed away earlier in the month......went home for the service and was truly sad.....
No more living grandparents.......

Went on another few dates with Kirby. I really enjoy time with him and he is pretty adorable. Still really freaking shy both of us but seems to be moving along. Going to hang out with him on Monday in Point Reyes for an art walk and good times! Hope we will make out soon hahaha!

Going on a wine bike tour tomorrow in Sonoma! Yeah to Memorial Day weekend :) Starting off the summer right!!

17

Apr 2010
11:10 PM PST

Birthday Week!!

Man am I tired for real! Had major birthday week of fun with the ladies and concerts. Monday was a surprise from Allison MGMT at the Fillmore,, Wednesday was Muse at Oracle and Friday night was the XX and Hot Chip at the Fox in Oakland......Lovely!! I love my family and friends!

So I went out on my second date with Kirby on Thrusday and I'm not so sure he really is nice and a real gentelman and does everything right but I'm not sure if I'm really ready for someone to get serious with yet. But at the same time that is all I wanted from Mike was for him to make more of an effort and that is all I talk about with the ladies is really finding a genuine person to have stuff in common with and wants the same thing as I and now all of the sudden this person is presenting themselves and now I'm getting scared and questioning wait wait do I really want this ?? Something is wrong with me I swear but I'm going to go out with him again and just keep it casual......I'm just being a girl! ahhhhhhh! hahahaha!

Off to the park!!

16

Mar 2010
9:45 AM PST

Blah Blah Blah

I have been stressed beyond belief with this new job I guess it comes with wanting to do well right? my body hurts, my shoulders are tense and I haven't eatin much that is only good for the wedding I have to be in shortly but I still hope this only lasts a week or two probably once I start getting more comfortable with everything I will calm down hahaha! Just didn't expect it!

Took the Jeep to Tahoe the other weekend it was amazing!

Mike messeged me on Saturday night asking if I was "outs and abouts" Allison stole my phone away.....good friend! and I never messaged him back I know what he wanted and it wasn't what I want I just have to keep telling myself that over and over again cause man it is just too easy and it's sex everyone wants to get laid! but No! It will all just lead to hurt feelings no matter how freakin cute he is that's for sure. it sucks knowing yourself sometimes I wish I was hopeful and younger that he could change and once he got to know me would then want to pursue me and we could have a deeper connection but that is all bullshit and I know it! You only get them As is! No changing anybody!

AGHHHHHHHHHH!
Lost woo hoo!

1 comment(s) - 11:07 AM - 03/20/2010

28

Feb 2010
11:21 AM PST

Beep Beep

I got my parents old jeep this weekend! Oh the trips that will be had :)

16

Feb 2010
10:20 PM PST

Great Day

Today was a great day!! For reals I worked at home and went for a walk cooked dinner watched a little tv......not too much but really a pretty great day :) I feel good!!

14

Feb 2010
11:10 PM PST

Warm weather again

I kid you not it was 28 degrees in VA man I was not prepared at all!! hahaha! Had to buy rain boots and everything. I got to see some snow and hang out with the parents, new dog and the ladies of course. Fun times! Saw a lot of people I haven't seen in at least ten years landon, got drinks with lee and aaron who I worked at the music store with when I was 17.......man what a throw back. Laura seems great just accepted a job in Mississippi for the spring tagging birds and Lisa was drunk and I didn't really get to talk to her all that much about much of anything all surface stupid shit but that is how it is I guess......and oh who emailed me?? Of course Alex did to see how I was doing and what I was up too.....uh huh I know you know I'm home right now man I don't get it I tried last time I was in town to do coffee or something but I don't know what he wants why he still contacts me why do you care?? you are marrying someone else we have different lives why do you always pop up every few months I don't get it at all......but over all a very very very very exhausting trip too much alcohol and staying out till 4 am of course.

Yesterdays travel day was insane four different states in 12 hours of traveling on planes, buses and trains......man I'm still exhausted.

Def gonna stay true to my horoscope today I need some alone time!!
Happy to be back in Cali where it is soo warm and lovely with my girls and kitties and the new job adventure ahead of me :) I'm a luck freaking lady!!

A need to hide your thoughts and feelings from others could cause you to become secretive today. You may be lost in the vortex of your emotions and driven to find a private place to think. Even if you aren’t usually a private person, you may instinctively seek out solitude today. You could delve more deeply into your thoughts through meditation, visualization, or journaling. Before you can use these methods, however, you may need to explain your needs to others so that they can give you privacy. Today can be a wonderful time to take a personal day and indulge in solitary activities that make you feel rested and renewed.

The time you spend alone, away from the distractions of the world, can help you develop an unshakeable sense of self. Our moments of solitude are the perfect times for considering and cataloging our thoughts. When you are alone, there are no other noises to interrupt or drown the wisdom of your inner voice. You can hear your thoughts without having to filter them through other people’s opinions or the buzz of an omnipresent media. The peaceful atmosphere you surround yourself in will inspire feelings of serenity within you and help you develop a closer relationship with yourself. Give yourself time to be alone today, and you will reconnect more deeply with yourself.

30

Jan 2010
12:58 AM PST

I'm feeling it

I got to say I really haven't ever been this happy and self assured I think in my whole life. I've been thinking about it lately I now feel like a grown up and like I can conquer anything and develop into a normal person hahaha! Someone who has control of their life someone who has created this great life full of work, friends and amazing family. Sometimes I look at my life and I think I did this it has been a hard road but I did this!! this is all my creation and what I want in the future I have no doubt I will make it happen. Thinking about going home next week to VA I feel really confident in myself and my abilities I don't think I've really ever felt that before and now it is starting to reflect on the outside just in me taking more time in presenting myself buying cuter clothes and wearing makeup actually doing my hair and working out too. Like now I feel worthy or something as before I just really didn't bother cause I didn't belive it I guess lower self esteem I don't know but I feel it now I feel the shift I'm making into an adult women and I got to say it feels really fucking good!

Can't belive I passed my two year mark writting in this journal woot woot!!

1 comment(s) - 10:05 PM - 01/30/2010

25

Jan 2010
12:11 PM PST

Whoa!

I had to look I just had to my finances are a mess.....I have some kind of plan.....stop shopping!! hahaha seems simple but it's hard not to spend money and do things to actually have a social life drinking, concerts, eating out and museums it all freaking adds up and I need to get that under control. Now that I'm coming into a new job and I don't have that stress anymore time to really buckle down and pay off this debt is just weighing me down......couldn' t sleep at all last night.

20

Jan 2010
11:53 AM PST

Donate!

You know if I can buy two dresses today and go out for sushi with the girls than I can donate to Haiti and I did!! Not much but it is what I can afford out of my training pay from this week......those images are just too heartbreaking. Good day today and very much looking forward to the next year! mmmmm cupcakes!

17

Jan 2010
11:25 PM PST

Wow!

Wow so much to share not sure where to start well I guess with the really great news that I got a job offer this week!! Haven't signed the paperwork yet but it's working for a jewlery designer being her in-house photographer and prodcution artist doing her catalog, print ads and hopefully some website maintencace. I will be replacing a women who has worked there for five years and she is going to be training me on the job till march 1st twice a week. Seems easy enought and when I go full time I will get benefits and start making 42 a yr down from the 50 a yr I was making last year but hey can't be picky in this economy that's for sure. This job def allows me a lot of flexability creativley and to be able to work part time from home too!! Also alots me some freedom in that I can move and do other things like another big trip this year possibly Ireland again or maybe Costa Rica in the fall :) I'm very happy and it was so easy a little too easy if you ask me hahaha!

So I will be visiting Virginia in a few weeks feb7th-14th I know my dad is excited and I really am too to see everyone and just hang especially to see Laura I didn't get to see her on my September trip cause she was working in Canada it's been almost a year since I've seen her and that was only for one night cause she was working and I had my hands full with everything.

I can't believe it's been almost two years on the 30th since I started this journal a lot has been private hahaha! but really I started this journal to see how my life would be without Alex and to see my journey on developing myself my emotions my life and I got to say I'm pretty fucking happy!! I have never been this confident and self assured each experience I've had since then has just made me that much stronger and after six years of dating him I can say I'm truly happy for him in whatever he is doing and wish him well but it was the best decision to leave him and fingure out who I am and what I wan and to reate my own life even if I don't know where it is going to lead me. Isn't that the fun of it all??

Off to see Avatar and eat korean food woot woot!! happy holiday :)

06

Jan 2010
10:24 AM PST

Yah Yah Yah

Good God! red wine, fudge and flannel pajamas!! excellent :) hahaha

Life is going smoothly.....internship is going well more responsibility, got an interview on Friday to shoot jewlery, had a date last week and gave a guy my number on Sat and turns out he called hahaha, walked today felt energized, made really yummy spaghetti and now watchin more and more lost show is so fantastic I love it! Oh yah installed adobe creative suite 4 oh goodness CS4 can't wait to play!!

01

Jan 2010
10:20 AM PST

Oh a new Year!!

Had a fun night last night lots of wondering but ended up in this crazy building at a loft party and it's rooftop terrace....pretty good!! and of course the inflatable moose head we found hahaha!

So I'm excited for twenty ten!! really I have no idea where it is gonna lead me but so far it's been very very relaxing!!

28

Dec 2009
11:02 AM PST

The afternoon

So I spent the afternoon with the australian guy Lee I met at Roses holiday party a few weeks ago.......wasn't super thrilled but I thought why not maybe I would be surprised and see if I had any interest in him you know and turns out I don't I kind of feel bad that I might have lead him on but it was one date and he was def interested and I was not but on the other hand I got to use my new camera!! It is so fantastic!! Looking forward to new years!! Also went for a walk today trying to get this five pounds off!! hahaha! too much butter.....

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Username: lex

Gender / Age: Female, 30

Location: USA - California

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