dunamis's Journal

Can't bring myself to go home....

I just can't face it. I think mainly it's fear. I'm not angry, just wounded and feeling hopeless and helpless. I feel despair and sadness. Grief. Another part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm beyond caring.

Home is a place where I am threatened. My sanity is threatened. I am reduced to something without dignity, something without significance or value. I am afraid of wife, because she's unpredictable. I've always handled weapons from a young age. I'm not afraid of guns, because although as a hunter I know they're deadly, I have learned gun safety. Guns are totally predictable and in the 25 years I've been shooting I have never been involved in or witnessed an accident with a gun.

My wife though could fire any moment, without any notice and wound me more painfully than being shot. Should I go home and risk it? It will happen again. What will happen if I go over the edge? Will I lose my sanity? Will I have a total mental breakdown? I don't know. That's scary, the fact that I don't know.

I don't think she takes much responsibliity. She's always said she's pretty well perfect, so it's up to me. Well if it's up to me and I need to care for myself, then I shouldn't go home. I guess they'll be fine without me. Don't know what to do. Where do I go? It's hard to know what to do. I don't know where to turn to, or who to talk to. I need to sleep.

Here's an interesting thought. We don't just need a mental concept of God (info, thoughts, ideas etc.), we need an emotional concept of God, because ultimately our souls overrun our minds (which is why we often behave irrationally). The idea comes from "Sidetracked in the Wilderness" by Michael Wells.

"The church today is full of unbelieving believers, who with their minds run to God, but with their emotions run away from Him. Much time and effort have been spent persuading people's thoughts to agree with what Scripture says, but very little attention is give to the emotions, which need equal convincing; an emotional concept of God is just as important as the intellectual view."

So here's a little test I took. Answer the questions as if you were in your worst moment. Firs thing that comes to mind...

1. When I think about being with God I feel.... In my worst moments I don't want to be with God. I'd rather hide, it's all too hard. I am unworthy, distant, hopeless, don't want to talk to him, feel unacceptable, feel like he's disappointed, aloof. Don't feel like he cares. I'd rather ignore him. He's a priority, a task, a chore, something else that I'm failing at.

2. When I have to trust God, I feel.... uncertain, resentful, I'd rather not have to trust him, I'm not sure if or when He'll come through. Can't rely on Him. He might, He might not, just depends on something outside of my control. Trusting is not easy. It feels risky. Hard to do. Something I HAVE to do.... Obligated. Cornered.

3. When I think about God I wish... he wouldn't be so ethereal, difficult to grasp and to know, I wish he wouldn't be so invisible, unreachable, uncommunicative, silent, distant. I wish he was more real...closer, nicer, kinder, more fun, less strict, demanding, more tolerant. I wish he was more approachable. I wish he was like the perfect daddy, who would hold out his arms and I could run into them, knowing I'd done bad stuff but that it didn't matter. I wish he was more comforting. I wish he didn't just leave me to my own mess but that he would know when I've had enough and step in and rescue me.

4. Sometimes I get angry with God when ... He doesn't change my situation. When he doesn't change my wife, my staff, my results. I get angry .. more resentful when He holds out on me ... when he takes off and I can't get in touch with Him. When I'm depleted and empty and in pain and he's not there. I get angry because he makes demands on my life without helping me. It's all a one way street sometimes. I get angry when I can't do what God wants me to do.... when I can't deliver the goods, can't live up to his high expectations, when I fail him and others. I get angry because he traps me and there's no way out.

5. It frustrates me when God wants me to... to do the impossible. To live in pain. To meet his expectations. Keep going when I've got nothing left. Keep believing, serving, trying, reading, praying. Why can't he do something himself? Why do I have to do so much and he doesn't have to do anything? Why does he get to sit back while I work my butt off. Why do I have to change myself, why can't he change me? It's too hard for me, and a cinch for him. This doesn't make sense!!! It's frustrating building the house, when the Lord doesn't build the house, we labor vainly, but what else is there to do? He won't do it, so we must!

6. I really enjoy God when... He speaks to me. When I'm worshiping him. When I don't have to pray, serve, read my bible or behave in a certain way, or get results. I enjoy being on holidays and getting away and being in the wild, watching a sunset. When I'm out of phone range, and away from draining people and when I am confronted by beauty. In stillness, quietness, in reflection. When I don't have an agenda, or a responsibility or a task. In situations where I can't really get anything done, but I can just be.... I really enjoy God when he does good things without me being behind it. Spontaneous good. Awesome! I enjoy God when he uses me, when he inspires me, when he shows me the way, when he comforts me, when my paradigms shift, when I understand him better.

7. The one thing I would change about myself to please God is.... throttle myself and go to heaven?? ok no seriously... ummm this one's hard. I'm just a dufus, thick as a brick, a bit of a failure, I would become more tranquil and heavenly minded.

8. When I think about God's commands I feel... impossible, defeated, go jump, it's too hard, imposing, nuisance, burdened, I'll never be able to do it.... no fun, out of reach..

9. Sometimes I wish God would... turn away. Not look at me. Leave me alone. Stop pressuring me. Just change me. Help me. Not stand around silently. Get involved. Work in me and through me. Help Himself. Glorify Himself, bless me, give me peace. Lift me up, heal me. Stop being so mysterious and out of reach for the average person. He was more tangible in the bible, but right now he's playing hide and seek. Show Up! Have a go! Do Something! Anything!

10. I can really depend on God when... When I operate in my gifts. When I let him lead me. When I give him control.

11. In my relationship with God, I'm always sure that He will... never leave me alone. Never give up on me. Always be there. Will be constant. Won't change his mind. Speak eventually. Won't let me struggle forever. Have a plan for me and a destiny.

12. The one thing that frightens me most about God is... He could get me out on a limb and hang me out to dry. Publicly humiliate me. Embarass me. I could try and do something by faith and He just might not show up and come through for me...

13. God surprises me when... He does something on his own without me making it happen through travail, prayer, confession, repentance, research, trying, believing... Like a breakthrough somewhere in my life that I didn't have to contrive. When He changes a paradigm in my mind and I see things totally different. That's cool.

14. One thing I'm afraid God will do is.... Let me crash and burn, go too far and tip me over. Fry me. Push me beyond my limit to cope emotionally or mentally.

Apparently these are pretty standard answers. So it's no wonder the average Christian isn't close to God.

I want to build a wailing wall. I was praying today and I saw it. I want to build it out of rough bricks with lots of cracks and light it up/

The wailing wall is the last part of the temple wall left remaining in Jerusalem after the Romans tore it down. It's a place of prayer. A place where people cry out to God. It's stuffed full of prayers and messages in the cracks. So it's a place of intercession. 

Dinu Mendrea

I want to make a wall at the start of next year that people can come and stick their prayers and messages into and offer them up to God. I'd love a massive cross to be built into the wall as well. It'll be like a giant rock facebook that you can post to the wall. And each Sunday we can turn toward the wall and pray for those on the wall that they might experience freedom.

   Faith is not what some people think it is. Their human dream        is a delusion. Because they observe that faith is not followed by        good works or a better life, they fall into error, even though they        speak and hear much about faith. ``Faith is not enough,'' they        say, ``You must do good works, you must be pious to be saved.''        They think that, when you hear the gospel, you start working,        creating by your own strength a thankful heart which says, ``I        believe.'' That is what they think true faith is. But, because        this is a human idea, a dream, the heart never learns anything        from it, so it does nothing and reform doesn't come from this        `faith,' either.             Instead, faith is God's work in us, that changes us and gives        new birth from God. (John 1:13). It kills the Old Adam and makes us        completely different people. It changes our hearts, our spirits,        our thoughts and all our powers. It brings the Holy Spirit with        it. Yes, it is a living, creative, active and powerful thing, this        faith. Faith cannot help doing good works constantly. It doesn't        stop to ask if good works ought to be done, but before anyone        asks, it already has done them and continues to do them without        ceasing.  Anyone who does not do good works in this manner is an        unbeliever.  He stumbles around and looks for faith and good        works, even though he does not know what faith or good works are.        Yet he gossips and chatters about faith and good works with many        words.             Faith is a living, bold trust in God's grace, so certain of        God's favor that it would risk death a thousand times trusting in it.        Such confidence and knowledge of God's grace makes you happy,        joyful and bold in your relationship to God and all creatures. The        Holy Spirit makes this happen through faith. Because of it, you        freely, willingly and joyfully do good to everyone, serve        everyone, suffer all kinds of things, love and praise the God who        has shown you such grace. Thus, it is just as impossible to        separate faith and works as it is to separate heat and light from        fire! Therefore, watch out for your own false ideas and guard        against good-for-nothing gossips, who think they're smart enough        to define faith and works, but really are the greatest of fools.        Ask God to work faith in you, or you will remain forever without        faith, no matter what you wish, say or can do.

An excerpt from              "An Introduction to St. Paul's Letter to the Romans,"                          Luther's German Bible of 1522                           by Martin Luther, 1483-1546                       Translated by Rev. Robert E. Smith             from DR. MARTIN LUTHER'S VERMISCHTE DEUTSCHE SCHRIFTEN.                        Johann K. Irmischer, ed. Vol. 63        (Erlangen: Heyder and Zimmer, 1854), pp.124-125. [EA 63:124-125]                                   August 1994

Listening to sermon on Hannah. Says she cried out in bitterness of heart and prayed. She was bitter because she couldn't conceive and because she was being tormented by the other wife, for her inability.

I wonder why God did that? Maybe it was so she would cry out to Him, He could give her a miracle and she would dedicate him to God and he would become one of the greatest leaders the nation of Israel has ever seen.

But the cool think for me is that IN HER BITTERNESS she cried out. IN HER BITTERNESS she prayed. She was sad. She was bitter. She was in pain. She was tormented, but it was in all of that, that she came to God.

We could judge people for being bitter, for being sad, depressed, for being in torment, for being upset but what an awesome inspiration, she went to God IN her bitterness. Despite her bitterness. Regardless of her bitterness.

She never blamed God, so she'd never slammed the door. And even though she was bitter, her avenue to the Lord was not blocked.

She inspires me.

Larry Crabb says in Connecting "The centre of the Christian life, we should remind ourselves, is not about killing anything. The route to life is death, but the centre of life , the point of Christianity, is living together in the enjoyment of God. We die in order to live."

This is fantastic because every now and then some ridiculous legalistic religious hard-core christian fanatic pops up and accuses us of preaching life, prosperity blah blah when we should be preaching repentance, death to self etc.

Crabb is saying death is the route to the destination of life. I'd rather sell the destination - relationship with God, eternal life, freedom, blessing, peace, abundance and then when someone signs up and says they'd like to go there, then tell them the route. The other religious freaks have it arse about. They try and go hardcore and sell the route! That's like telling people to get on the bus. The bus has no windows. It's made only of steel. There are ste