Today I am feeling alittle down.. it was a good day though. I let myself be vulnerable with someone I know is unreliable. It is not good for me to do that. Since I lost my boy, I can't handle loss very well.. and well it feels like a loss today.
Although I told him I can't be in a commitment, I feel I lied to myself. I got too close to him and I am sure he is still in a commitment with someone else as usual. Im not sure why I did that, I don't love him. I guess I just was wanting something I can't have..
Now I feel sick to my stomic and wish I had someone to talk to, but I don't. but I don;t..
How do I get through this night??
maybe throw up and read, feel a little anxiety, and pray I get through the night.
Thank you god for this beautiful night..
miss you all
nite my boy
love
mom
Kaila was in the hospital last sunday til wed, really was worried , didnt know if she would make it. I was crying and really messed up, I couldnt find anyone to watch eathan so I could visit her and that made me upset too, when she was released Jim picked her up later that day, says she said she was using crack while she was in the hosp, trading her methadone, how fucked up, I thought she was getting a break, she went right back down town anyway, have been just hoping for the best. We will be going to Jim's to smoke his ceremony pipe next Sunday, pray a little, god help us. Had a nice time with Jim the other night(wed) , went for a ride in his cadelac, up to cypress.
Went to pick up the car from Burts, fuckers totalled the car, I don't know what to do with it now, I have no $$ to fix it up, idiots.. $1500 just to fix the back, had to make an ICBC claim, geeezzzuuussss gaaaawwwwddd
besides the thing with Rob, Shane got a girlfriend, lol. It was sad a sec ago, but now it seems funny.. I use sex as a distraction, and it meets some of my needs.
I have to say I dont care about these men, I know they dont care about me. Maybe we are doing a favore for each other. I dont really know what is going on, like maybe emotionally. I go through many feelings before and after sex, but I dont pay much attention to them, I feel them , enjoy them, and let them go.
I have used sex as a distraction in my life for many pains I have gone through. I have gone without sex for a few years at a time, maybe twice, but I always think whats the point, life is short, if I can some how give myself comfort in small forms, I think thats what I should do.
Relationships I dont see as an option today, I feel weak. I feel any disloyalty, pain , suffering the relationship would cause may end me. My heart can not stand another bleed at this time. Maybe sometime...
God help me, god help us.
I need to get a job sometime, I need to find comfort in friends and maybe family, I need to excercise and become healthier..
:/
I went to see Rob for lunch, I have always had anxiety when I see him, only because I liked him so much, maybe I thought I loved him, among many others.
I prayed I would not have anxiety and that I would only see Rob Hinksman as a friend or for what he is I supopose.
I went to lunch with him, and everything was different, lol, I seen him check out a young girl, that was a downer, like what a looser.
And lunch was at Red Robins, wtf, cheap, then conversations were okay, but some down points, liked my hair color, he had a dizzy spell, lol..
Over all I thought, okay he still looks okay, I was still a little excited, but nothing
This man is an alcoholic, gambling, creep, ewww
I enjoyed our time together when we were young, sex that is, but Rob is not a good man, never has been and most likely never will be
I sent him mail saying I hoped we spend time in bed together, but I didnt mean it, or if I did then , I really have no intentions of ever sleeping with him
He wrote me back saying ya he did need a nap, lol, stupid and mean, I was instantly hurt, but thats a given, Im very sensative, and am hurt at a drop of a dime, lol. Thank god he does not want to sleep with me, lmao
No thank you
moving on :p
When I get alot of money, I get rid of it as soon as I can. I don't know why I do that. I feel a sence of panic, and I start spending fast. I pray I will feel comfortable with having money, I pray I can better managae money.
I have been gambling my money away, not that I don't win, I just spend alot of my winnings back. It seems like everyone is gambling, like there is nothing, NOTHING else to do. I really need a list of things to do. Jim says he goes to concerts. I hate to go to meetings for gambling. It is just not the circle of friends I want. I dont want anything more then what I have.
Arizona says he is lucky to want. That is so right on. It really is a gift to want and dream. I have no dreams or wants.
Sometimes I say things though. I want new clothes. That is a start, I want new clothes, I want a Toyota Tundra, I want us to travel, and I think I want another tatoo.
Got help me, God help us.
Just got in last night at 2am, always a long trip, but all went well.
it was nice to go home for awhile, I didn't like the feast part. the houses are arguing amoungt themselves.
Here in van it all dont matter, not sure if its good or bad, I think good actually
I do always miss home though. There is no good education up home, I pray for the best for my boys, and Kaila, never know, kaila may get better some day.
It is a beautiful day out, very nice, sunny.
My head is a mess, sinus trouble, got up too late, don't feel it too much in the morning if I get up and go, but I went back to bed :)
I want to get my hair done today. It has been awhile since I did highlights.
All is well today. Home safely. Thank god.
Dr weckworth wrote me a not for work, to not return, I am not sure if I will give it yet, need to work, worried I will not find a job. I will have a lot of time to look, but I am just worried also about money as usual..
Cheyl got fired Monday again, weird, dont really know what to think about that.
we were talking about how we always loose our jobs some how, me I get stressed and end up taking stress leave, and Cheryl usually gets fired.
We went gambling for quit a few days, once til 6am, lol, trying to stop for awhile, not much else to do, have to do things earlier
it seems easier to get a sitter later, want to swim more often, just for the enjoyment, doesnt seem to be a work out, I have to excecise, get healthy
beautiful outside, sunny, bright, good day to walk.
love you conan, miss you xoxo
have been seeing this shane guy sometimes, nothing serious really, nothing feels serious anymore, but a good distraction, entertaining, and so far convenient
seen preston at the mini pow wow, good turnout
going to the Yale tonight, cher bot us tickets, shud b good
arizona is working still at red robins, line chef now, and is now in grade 11, thank god he is a good boy, I dont think I could handle life if he wasnt such a good boy.
Kaila called 2 days ago, she called from "Andre's" davie street, says she is trying to clean up, says she is goin to visit yesterday, didnt show up as usual, I still believed her but Zony said that would be the day, sad, really hope she has a good life.
Eathan is doing good in school, he doesnt like to be late, he is usually pretty organized, clean, he has to do public speaking next week, was nervous for him, have to print pictures for him, dunno where to do that now that cher is fired, lol.
Eathan seems to be happy to see his mom at first, then he seems not to care if she is there, he doesnt go by her and seems to be closer to me and cher and the girls, and arizona if he is around.
So yesterday was two years Conan has been gone. He is somewhere else, I can only imagine where he is, I imagine he is with family, fishing, playing games, joking around, he is spirit that is everywhere with everyone doing whatever.
My friend is geting 20 years today, sober, she is not a close friend, but still a friend, I don't know what to do, maybe go to meeting?? dont want to see anyone, I have gained weight, feel like crap or a level of depression, dont know what the fuck I would say, or say the wrong things, be weird, just cause I say sad things. O rmaybe superficial things.
I am okay at home, I need to and want to get into shape, healthy, happy?? long shot for happy. I went to a movie last night with Cheryl n the kids, only Arizona had to work, It was funny, I laghed so hard I was worried Id get sick. these dumb white guys got thier teeth knocked out by a car banging thier face, was funny, they went to hosp to see dentist, had to wait, sounded funny when they talked, just stupid stuff.
Well was an okay day yesterday, and went to see Shane for sex at night, that was good the first time, haha, second time not too good.. Says he has to quit smoking, I do think smoking is bad for sex, know two people who are impotent who smoke, hmmm, bad sex, lol , too funny..
have been tired for a few days, think its a bug cuz Eathan is sleeping alot too, feel sick. Suppose to go out later with sara's mom to casino. So tired though.
Has been a few weeks I been on Ei now, sick leave. tough to live with less $$, but it has been better for me mentally, dont think i want to go back. May look for a different job, not sure yet.
Hope things will work out for the best in any case. Need a good job that i can work at for awhile, neeed $$.
Still miss conan everyday, not suicidal everyday now, just sometimes. Seeing a phycologist to help me with all that.
seeing this guy sometimes names shane, he is a great guy, only he has same problems as me around anxiety n panic, lol. fuck
God will anything be normal?? I remember when we all worked and got lots of money and had good lives with no real needs just bigger goals and wants, life was beautiful in many ways, it had its ugly because of the genocide, but compared to now with the genocide, at least we had more life.
Love you Conan, miss you, love you miss you love you miss you,lol
Add comment
