Phyl's Flashes

He's suddenly not himself. We took him to see the vet on Tuesday after he fell the second time. When he went down the first time we heard it but no one was in the room to see what happened. We just heard a loud noise and when we got there he was laying on the floor instead of his pillow, all stretched out on his side. We knew the noise was him hitting the floor. That was Monday night, then Tuesday morning again - this time I made him stand up and he really had trouble getting on his feet. His legs seemed very wobbley like he could go down at any point.

The whole day before seeing the vet he was only interested in laying on his pillow, he even ignored his food!  When the man came to work on my PC he usually barks alot - nope, he ignored that too. We had to lift him into the truck - no way could he jump up there like he used to. He usually is very excited whenever he's in the truck but he just layed down - wierd!

At this point the vet isn't able to pinpoint what the problem is exactly, he was only able to say that from what I told him, the xrays and the bloodwork results he believes there is something seriously wrong. 

I knew that! $500.00 to learn what I already knew! All he could do now is to refer me to specialist - uh - no. Can't go any further, we can't afford even what we've spent so far.

I'm left with guilt, anxiety and sadness. He's been a good dog, he's our friend and I don't want to see him suffer. At this point all there is to do is wait and see & HOPE.

Can't help wondering what could have been. It happens every year. Today would have been my mother's birthday, she'd be 71.

If, if, if, I play this game with myself where I go back to a random time in our lives - hers and mine. I pull her out of her picture and insert her into mine. I say, "If she was sober she would have loved to be part of this with me." 

Today, she's been gone (dead) for almost 20 years but she's still very vivid in my head. I can still hear her laugh and the smell of her Emerade perfume mixed with hairspray and cigarettes. That look in her eyes that always made me feel sorry for her, guilty for everything that made her unhappy.  The way she'd hold her cigarette or break a new piece of gum in half. The sound of ice clinking in her glass when she'd call me too late at night just to ask me something that would always lead to an argument. How she danced. That she was shorter than me. How she looked with those curlers she put in her hair every single night. How she called her mother "Mama". Her "I love you" only spoken through a drunken slur. The sound of her purse snapping shut, her keys in her hand and the ring she always wore on her pinkie. She was so pretty but she didn't think so. She got alot of attention from men but she always chose the worst to bring home. She cried often, I rememer what that sounded like too.

If she were sober and here now I'd love to have her with me everyday to do all the simple things my days are full of. We'd have coffee together in the morning, we'd go shopping for our groceries together just like we did every Saturday when I was a kid. I'd take her to the mall and we'd have lunch and shop till we were exhausted. I'd make my spaghetti sause for her, not quite like hers but I know she'd love it. We'd watch old movies and cry - then laugh at ourselves. She'd love being with my kids and be so proud of all they've done with themselves. She'd get on a plane and go see her grandaughter in Portland because she'd want to see what its like for her up there. She'd go check out my son's office, so proud to be introduced as his Grandma Carolyn. I know she'd be at every one of the football games to see our baby play for only a minute or two, because she'd want him to know she was proud of him. She'd be thrilled with Danny because - because he is thrilling! His life is full and she'd be constantly wanting to hear his latest escapade. I'd help her clean her house and she'd iron my pillowcases. We'd do everything and nothing together. We'd go for walks downtown and sit in my yard watching the flowers grow. I'd go to her first when I needed someone to listen and she'd be the first I told when I got my job with Pam.

What could have been might have been like that, might have been different we'll never know so I might as well have it as sweet as sugar. This is my story now, I'll tell it my way.

It's over, the suffering and pain is over. The waiting has ended, the crying is just getting started.

Shirley died this morning with her husband and daughters by her bedside. She was loved. She will be remembered fondly and often.

Shirley opened her eyes and Dad told her who we were. She was happy we were there, she commented on my hair, "Phyl's hair looks nice". Bear wanted a compliment too but that was more of a joke and she got it.

We stood by the bed for a while when she started crying from the pain, it's so hard to see her like that. Then Dad told her, "it won't be long, the pain will go away and it won't come back". She was immediately settled by that, I think she knows the end is soon.

They told us that she came very close the other night, hospice confirmed that her vitals were reflecting that things were shutting down but within an hour she rallied and Lee told us that she looked at him and said, "I didn't die." They all laughed instead of cried.

Hugs, tears and words of love is all there is.

Today we mark the 35th year of our marriage. Isn't that amazing? I don't understand how that sounds like such a long time but doesn't feel like it.

It was going to be just an ordinary Monday, he was going back to work after our long weekend, S. and D. were going back to school and work and I was back to the household grind - ordinary - until we got the call last night.

We have that great invention of that last decade called Caller ID so when the phone rang at around 7pm last night we saw my father's name and assumed that the usual late coming birthday wish was going to be given. So when B came running with the ringing phone and a smile in his voice as he said excitedly, "it's your dad",  I wasn't the least bit apprehensive as I said "hello?". But I should have been, I wish I could have known what he was going to tell me because I would have been able to handle it differently.

In the first couple seconds of hearing his voice I didn't hear it, but then it was unavoidable, the sound that something was wrong sounded like a loud siren and I couldn't say anything but "what's wrong?"

He tried to say something but his voice broke up, I thought in that second that he was going to tell me that his wife had died but as he fought to gain control he instead told me that she's very ill and it won't be long. 

How do you know what is the right thing to say? I thought I did, I like to think I am a sensative person. I knew he was in pain and that he was having a hard time telling me that his wife of 33 years is too sick to get better. The words I spoke were comforting him, I could hear that in the strength of his voice, I was doing good, afterall I am sorry for her and him. But when he told me about "the whole family coming together a couple weeks ago at the hospital for her", I couldn't stop myself from asking him why I wasn't called then? He put it off on her (never taking responsibility for his own daughter!) saying that it was "her call". I should have accepted that, I should have left it at that but the lump in my thoat was enormous and the flood gate was pushing hard, the words just rushed out. I told him what he should have called, I should have been there, that she always told me that I was her kid, she always called me her "daughter kid".

Divorce sucks! It clearly boiled down to Her Kids and His Kids. And in the end I find out that the two will never be equal. I am put on the outside by not being included in the group that was referred to as "the whole family".

I should have been called but they didn't and that's that. I am called now, now that she's "incoherent", that she won't even know I'm there, it is what it is. She officially became my stepmother after I'd been married for 2 years so our relationship was more of a friendship than a mother/daughter. I loved her, I saw how happy she made my father, I showed her my love and respect all through the years. When we moved closer to them - to BE closer to them it didn't work out that way. She seemed to recent my ability to drop in on them. She took shots at me when I was at my most vulnerable ie: my mother's death, the birth of my forth child, etc. Our relationship changed as I never knew when she was going to go off on me. I tried to talk to my father in  hopes that he'd be able to get through to her and mend things for us but he in his usual style shrugged his shoulders and didn't see any responsibility for his daughter. He was fine with her and I drifting apart, fine with us not being at his holiday table and so the years went by and here we are - after all these years I'm just somebody that he thought he should call to tell them that she's coming home on Wednesday, hospice will be there and the end will follow soon.

Since you moved to Portland:

I've expected things -

•   that you'd call me.
•   that you might miss me.
•   that you would want to hear from me.                    

When I expect from anyone I am open to disappointment. I know this, I've disappointed other people.

I'm trying to see it your way. I don't want to nag at you and make it worse. But-but-but there's always a but, it's that I call you, I miss you and I want to hear from you. So I think you might have the same feelings. Also, I'm your mom, I'm the one that loves you always.

I think you're ok but when I call, email or send something in the mail and you don't respond I start wondering if something's wrong. I get anxious.

I emailed you about this and as expected no response.

I wish I could fly. I'd take a trip to the beach with the gulls and be back in time for dinner. I've dreamt of flying and it always feels so good, so free, light and exciting.  I hate waking up after that.

I wish to win the lottery. I know I could buy happiness, even though they say you can't. I'll decide that!

I wish the economy would get better, I'm getting sick of the news.

I wish Palin would go away, back to Alaska where she belongs. If she's such a good "hockey mom" she needs to stay home and BE one, not running around looking for more ladders to climb. She needs to be there for her kids and husband. I'd be worried to have a VP that knows as little as she does.

I wish I could see into the future. How amazing it would be to be able to know what was coming next in your life. I think I'd want to start with knowing the next hour first then the next day, week, etc. If I could do this I'd have more trust that everythings going to be alright.

I wish meaness wasn't out there. Why do people waste their time saying or doing bad things? Doesn't everyone know about Kharma? "Do unto others.."? I feel sorry for them, somebody taught them to be that way I guess.

I wish I live with my hubbie forever. He's my best friend and I never want to be without him.

I wish I was in Disneyland - right now! I really love that "Happiest Place on Earth". We had Thanksgiving down there last year and I'm seriously missing it now.

I wish I get a puppy for my birthday. I want a Bichon. That's a fat chance, hubs does't want one...

I wish I could take a day and stay in bed.

We're entering the time of celebrations. November marks the beginning.

On the 4th we began our 19th year in this house. I mark the anniversary because living in one place this long is really signifigant to me. I never had that when I was growing up and am beginning to like staying put. Although I think about not staying here for the rest of my life.

Another reason to pause on the 4th, it was Shad's birthday, she'd be 36 yrs old or 252 in dog years! I still miss her, she was such a love.

Nov. 8th is Owen's 4th birthday, we're going to eat cupcakes with him this weekend. I hear that K.s mother and sisters are going to be there too - oh goodie.

The 17th is the newlywed's 27th birthday. I'll send her money because since they moved to Portland they're always broke!

On the 25th I'll have the honor of ushering in my 53rd birthday, yikes! How on earth can I be that old?! I swear I still feel like I'm just a girl.

Everyone will give Thanks on the 27th. This year I will voice my thanks for our President Obama.

December 1 is the 35th anniversary of my marriage to B. We thought about going to Hawaii to celebrate but the economy problems have us in a more conservative attitude toward spending on luxuries. I can wait, afterall I am just a girl.

On the 9th my first born will turn 30! Yes, I was just a baby myself when he was born.

The 15th is my wayward brother's 49th birthday. Hope he finds happiness in it.

That brings me to a birthday that everyone celebrates - Dec. 25th. What are you going to give Him?